Master Yan Yan is dizzy: Heaven is not afraid of the earth, not afraid of the ancients to tell jokes

2019-12-16 | material road original |

Monarchy of Materialism :

Life is bitter and sweet, it is better to listen to a joke and be happy. Be laughed and laugh at others.

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Recently read a book and saw a joke that made Lord Yan faint :

"Cong Congwen at first, missed for three years; after Xi Xiu, the school field made a target, middle drum officials, chased out; then learn medicine, and succeed. Write a recipe, serve it, die.

Then went to the prefecture, waited for Yan Wang Sheng Tang, was impatient, and asked, the ghost said: Wang Yue read the files under his feet, laughed, shocked in the back hall, did not wake up. "

Going further, I found that the ancients' ability to tell jokes is not worse than ours.

Wudao Jun wants to share fifteen jokes with you today, I wish you happy to spend the remaining 15 days in 2019.

During the Sui Dynasty, Hou Bai was a paragraph player. One day he met his buddy Yang Su.

杨素:如果有个几百尺深的坑,我让你跳进去,你要怎么出来?

侯白:你给我一根针就好。

杨素:????

侯白:我用针把脑袋刺破,我脑子的水会填坑,把我浮上来。

杨素:你脑子进水了?

侯白:废话,我脑子不进水我干嘛跳入那么深的坑!

Also Hou Bai, this day he presented a puzzle to a friend, saying that there is an animal the size of a dog, but looks the same as a cow.

朋友A:獐子!

朋友B:鹿!

侯白:不是!

朋友:那到底是什么鬼东西嘛?

侯白:小牛。

During the Song Dynasty, one day Su Dongpo came to play with his brother, Buddha Seal, to enter the temple and wanted to make fun of his friends and shouted :

“秃驴何在?”

有人回答:

“东坡吃草。”

Every time Su Dongpo wants to take advantage of the Buddha Seal, he will be turned back. Once Su Dongpo wanted to ridicule the Buddha Seal as a "bird", so he said :

"You say that the poet is really great wisdom, and often use" monks "to" birds ", such as' birds stay at the poolside tree, monks knock at the door of the moon '," and' sniffing woodpeckers, suspected to be a door monk.That ’s great. "

佛印:“那我现在正对着你说话,你不就是鸟咯?”

苏东坡:“......”

One time, the two went to worship the Buddha. Su Dongpo saw Guanyin holding a rosary in his hand. So he asked the Buddha's seal: "Why do you say that Guanyin also chants?"

佛印:“念经拜佛。”

苏东坡:“观音好歹也是个菩萨,你说他拜谁啊?”

佛印:“观音拜观音。”

苏东坡:“为什么????”

佛印:“因为求人不如求己。”

In the Ming Dynasty, Wang Zhongsu walked with a friend, and a beautiful woman walked by. The friend turned his attention, and turned away.

Wang Zhongsu said, "This girl is really born with divine power."

Friend: "You don't even know the name of someone else, how do you know she has magical power?"

Wang Zhongsu: "If you don't have the power, how do you twist your head 180 °?"

廿

There is a wife who gave birth prematurely and gave birth to a child in seven months. He was afraid that he would not raise enough, so he asked what to do when he met someone.

It happened that a friend came over this day and he said it. The friend replied: "It's okay, my grandpa is also a 7-month premature baby.

"Oh my God, did your grandpa grow up later?"

廿一

There is another person who sells flea medicine on the street. The sign says: "The best flea medicine in the world."

Someone came over and asked :

"How is this medicine used?"

"This is simple, you just grab the flea, then apply the medicine on its mouth, and then die on the spot."

廿二

There is a doctor who often cures people, and is often punished by pulling the stone mill to grind wheat, and only returns after finishing ten burdens.

This day, someone came to see him again, he answered :

"Know, you must prepare ten loads of wheat first, I'll be right there."

廿三

On a rainy day, some people walk slowly in the rain without umbrella or shelter. The passerby couldn't understand the operation, and asked carefully :

"Why don't you go faster?"

"Aren't there also rain in front."

There is another person who fell down and struggled to get up and fell again.

He is very angry at himself :

"Really, if I knew I would fall, I wouldn't get up."

廿四

Someone is very frugal and only eats two dishes a day, "picked leeks and mixed leeks". After coming out of his house, he bragged that he could eat eighteen dishes a day.

众人:“哪十八样?”

客人:“二九(韭)十八!”

During the Sui Dynasty, Confucian master Liu Ye and Liu Xuan were imprisoned, put on shackles, and the uncle and nephew began to chat and complain.

刘焯:“整天在枷(谐音家)里坐着,但是看不到家。”

刘炫:“可不是嘛,我整天负(谐音妇)枷坐着,不也是没看到一个妇人吗?”

Wifeless wife, wife has no wife.

廿五

Someone likes to eat stewed beef heads. He once dreamed that he was taken to a prison in a local government. The jailer was a bullhead ghost. When this person saw it, he drooled and touched his head :

"It's just this big bull head, it's awesome when it's halogenated."

The minotaur is scared and released him back.

26

A scholar who loves to play the piano feels depressed every day, because he feels that no one knows him.

He played a song that day and heard a sigh next door. The scholar thought he had found a friend.

Knocking at the door to see an old grandma, grandma cried and said :

"I'm in touch with the scene, my son played cotton during his lifetime, you played too much like him."

廿七

One day, a military attache was on a night tour and caught a late returnee who was busy defending.

“我是书生,今天做功课太晚,回来迟了一点。”

武官说:“你既然说你是书生,今儿个我就考考你。”

“请出题!”

一阵沉默过后。

“算你走运,今天刚好没有题目。”

廿八

There is a person named Han Jian who has a rough nature. Whenever I face a literate person, I do n’t know what others are saying, so I feel often ashamed. So he asked a tutor to teach him the Analects of Confucius, and became a teacher.Speaking :

"I have five ambitions to learn, and thirty are standing ..."

He wanted to show off that he finally understood, so he said: "I now know that the ancients were so thin, that they could walk upright until they were thirty."

廿九

An emperor named Sima Rui, the prince was born, invited the ministers to dinner, and rewarded the ministers with many things.

The scene is very lively, and a minister wants to show how good he is at making flattery, so he stepped forward to congratulate.

“皇子诞生,普天同庆,臣没有什么功劳,实在是辱蒙重赏啊。”

皇帝回答:“尼玛这事能让你有功劳吗?”

There is a scholar who wants to show off his teacher's inheritance, so he told people everywhere that he is a fan of Su Dongpo. This time someone asked him :

"Su Dongpo is versatile, do you like his poetry or calligraphy?"

"No, I like to eat Dongpo meat. You can see that this meat is stewed soft, but not fatty, but it is delicious."

Zhang Aoshan had a question in an exam, the title was "Feng Fu is good at fighting tigers" Feng Fu was a tiger and a brave man during the Spring and Autumn Period. At this time, a student answered this question :

"Mrs. Feng, a woman also, but she can fight tigers, not only, but also good. How does she fight? First choke it, then chop its head, peel its skin, and then throw it inWould n’t it be delicious if cooked and eaten among the five flavors? "

Life is normal, always unhappy often.

Because of depression, we need to relax; because of gloom, we need to laugh.

Joke seems to be a catalyst for happiness, a pain reliever.

Although there are few jokes, sometimes a joke is like the same beam of light, which faints into the darkness.

The gentle power behind its ease is enough to make the depressed person smile and the pessimist to move forward.

I hope you can move forward with a smile for the rest of the year.

Reference :

1. "Xiao Lin Guang Ji"

2.``Taiping Guangji ''

3.Ancient and Modern Tan Outline

4. "Dongpo Q & A"

5.``Plum Blossom Cottage Notes ''

6.``The New Words of the World ''

The text is original and authentic, the picture comes from the Internet, the copyright of the picture belongs to the original author.


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